The Claim (2000)

Milla was interacting with fans fairly regularly in the DISCUSS section of the official Kingdom Come website ( I've collected all of Milla's posts that I've seen - I realize that some of the continuity is lost without the other posts that Milla is sometimes referring/replying to, but in order to do that I'd basically be recreating the entire DISCUSS section . . . so here they are, typos & all, take it or leave it!

Who could direct "Master and Margarita"?
Milla - 02:16 21/02/00

Hello Sergius and good luck to you on your wagon journey, I'm sure it's going in a good direction! I'm so happy that you are a fan of Bulgakov, offcourse I've read "The Master And Margarita" a number of times and I would LOVE to play the title role, but I'm not sure how one would go about writing that script... I mean, how does a cat eating caviar and riding the trolley in coat and tails translate to an American audience? Who could direct this movie apart from some incredible russian? I don't have the answers to those questions, but I would compare Bulgakov to Mr. Gabriel Garcia Marquez (my favorite writer in the world), his images are seeped in dream-reality and almost immpossible to translate on film, there's so much internal dialogue and that's the main danger in taking a brilliant piece of literature and putting it to film, how do you show that gorgeous dialect without some ridiculous, over-expositional voice over? I guess it could be done, by Wim Wenders maybe... I love "Confederacy of Dunces", you have great taste in philosophy sir! Thank you for your thought provoking message, hope we speak again!

Re: Milla's post...god! is that girl adorable.
Milla - 08:12 19/02/00

Well, Mr. Englishman! You don't believe I use words like "whilst"? Typical English reply to what took me half the night to write. I guess understanding what goes on behind the scenes of a film really doesn't interest you, whilst plugging your inevitable sarcasm is. Get off this site buddy and start your own, we'll see how many hits you get to spout your rank personality!

Re: Milla's post...god! is that girl adorable.
Milla - 08:15 19/02/00

On re-reading your ill-humoured ego stroke, I realized that you're irish? Even worse for an irishman to step down to english sarcasm.

Re: Milla's post...god! is that girl adorable.
Milla - 19:30 19/02/00

My dear Peter! For all your intellectualism your imagination is so limited... I'm one of Ms. Polleys biggest fans, I'm sure if you had read my update without so many prejudices you would see how well Sarah and I get along, all the more power to one of the most intelligent girls I've had the privelege of meeting and working with, more likely, it's you that's p-ssed that you don't get to be as close to her as do! Ha Ha!

Sarah's Bedroom Eyes will Soak Through my Bones and Tear up my Insides- For Pet
Milla - 02:05 21/02/00

My dear Peter, You couldn't be more gorgeously expressive about Miss Sarah... She really would be a vision that's hard to take for it's irrefutable loveliness on an everyday level, but if I was of your gender, I think I would survive feeling like a complete unworthy nothing, if she was there to fill me with meaning by the very fact that she's chosen to direct her gaze in my direction and if that was in the morning, in a bedroom, Jesus! I think I could deal with the sadness filling my soul and the memories of days full of storm clouds when the light is diffused and my bones are full of water. She really strikes you with those eyes and takes you to some land far away, full of the weight of impending longing. Anyway, I'm so thrilled that our exciting back and forth has ended in these beautiful thoughts of praise for one who truly deserves more than either one of us could write, as for her selling out, I think it would be great for her to do something more commercial so others could fall as deeply in love as we have, but her talent's lie in the fact that her concience is clean and her integrity sound. Hail to our dear Sarah!! Look forward to more of your thoughts...

Re: Milla's post...god! is that girl adorable.
Milla - 05:39 22/02/00

Hey Rebecca! I'm so happy that you're one more gorgeously demented soul to round off all the squares taking up space! All I can say is, bless your family for bringing you into our world, for most likely if you ended up Rupert Murdock's you'd be totally normal, a classic "children of strange parents" trait. I'm so happy that you enjoy my work so much, especially cause the "Peopletree Sessions" is more of a guest vocalist appearance for me than anything, but my album will be coming out at some point. Unfortunately, it takes me alot of time to really be happy with what I create, which makes for slow going in my career, but that's what will make it completely truthful and worthy of being put outhere to ( God help us!) influence people. Keep going banannas and help the world flourish!

I'll try!
Milla - 05:12 22/02/00

Hey Jacob! Ian the master of this website tried to give me some code on how to differentiate my name for authenticity purposes, but since I'm completely computer illiterate, I couldn't understand what he meant, that's why my name has this symbol in front or maybe it doesn't and you think I'm crazy, but it's supposed to make it pink... Anyway, to answer some of your questions, I used to think computers were the children of Satan, but now that I have one and I learned a bit about it, I'm hooked with no Computers Anonymous to send my cry of help to. I would love to go to your country, it's such a spiritual place I've heard, the last frontier for people who live at peace with the elements and I'm not speaking of the inhabitants of "Home and Away"! My boyfriend's band was just there, opening the "Big Day Out" festival and one of the members is so in love with your country he stayed an extra month with his daughter to look around and relax! I'd take Flea's word for it! I think it's natural to want to escape the place you've grown up in... no matter where you live, it's human nature to test your boundaries and want to push them to their farthest limitations! At least every person I've ever respected and loved. I think that's what sets humans apart from animals, this inherent need to question our own realities and break set rules. Only animals need to stay within there structured circles and can live for thousands of years without leaving one small part of a forest. I guess familiarity scares us in some way as well, to see the same places or faces again and again. That's why alot of us are uneasy seeing our parents, to be with people that know us so well, that we cannot re-create ourselves with... I know that scares me so much! About Eastern Europe, I wouldn't call that a vacation... more of an educational experience! I've been back to Moscow a few times and I absolutely urge you to visit. It's like walking everyday in a documentary, the faded colors, this crumbling mass is pretty overwhelming. Have you read much russian literature? I must admit, for a non-russian it could be un-understandable at times, mostly because of the humour. You have to really understand the people and their particular nuances to get it, but it's a start. It's really like walking into the past though, those huge avenues that held military parades of thousands... the vast government buildings, the sky, heavy with the weight of a spirit that's so full of nostalgia... It's spectacular, but I wouldn't trust the restaurents or if you do, don't pass judgement on russian food without eating it at someone's mother's house! I'll try and bring the band over as soon as I can, but I think you'll see us quicker by coming to the states! Thanks for your post!

Re: Hey milla please consider this.....
Milla - 01:44 21/02/00

What's up Natasha!!? It's so good to hear from you again! I hope everything is going well with you, I haven't seen you in monthes. Alot has changed in my life since we last talked... I'm seeing a wonderful new guy, we started dating about a month ago, he's God in my eyes, I've worshipped him for years, since I was 18. His name is John Frusciante, he plays guitar for the "Red Hot Chili Peppers", but the reason I kiss his beautiful feet is cause of his solo records, if you don't have them, please check them out, he makes absolutely the greatest music ever ( I'm laughing right now as I watch him spin around and around my room, he does these strange yoga exercises where he spins and spins...)and you have to hear it. So that's that. Anyway, keep in touch... Good luck with your photo's!

Milla - 05:25 22/02/00

By the way, I figured out how to make my name pink!!!

Re: About the articel
Milla - 19:22 19/02/00

Hi Christian! No I didn't use a french accent in "Jeanne", I tryed and succeeded in getting rid of my thick L.A. accent, which took a good 2 monthes to prepare, if you see the english version in comparison to my television interviews (of the past that is, I've tryed to incorporate my new speech in everyday life cause I hate to sound so L.A.), you'd see what I'm talking about. Offcourse, most articles are bullsh-t! It's just annoying to be constantly viewed as a foreigner in my own country.

Re: About the articel
Milla - 05:23 22/02/00

Hi anonymous! My birth language is russian, from last I remember! My next record probably won't be the same as DC, but saying that, niether am I. I hope you enjoy it none the less... I Like some Mettallica songs, but I can't say they're my favorite. If you want to hear my all time fave music, check out my boyfriends cd. I've worshipped him from way before we were together and I truly believe it's the force of my love that brought me to him... His name is John Frusciante and he also plays guitar in the "Red Hot Chili Peppers", he pretty much wrote their albums "BloodSuga***xMagic" and "Californication". He's absolutely unreal. His first album is called "Niandra LaDes and Usually Just a T-Shirt" and his second is "Smile from the Streets You Hold". In the latter, my favorite songs are 4-7, but don't let me tell you what to listen to, buy them and... see you in space!

I'm back and ready to ramble!
Milla - 11:28 29/02/00

Hey everyone! Thank you so much for your interest in my thoughts. I'm so happy to come back and see that I've been missed... Let me tell you, I've missed you too. I had to go to Vancouver for the weekend to shoot a commercial for L'Oreal and Jesus! I'm so happy that I escaped! Also, my boyfriend left as well and it was kind of hard to talk to you while he was here (even though I sneaked it in while he slept!), I tend to get so absorbed with our conversations that he get's really jealous after I've spent 3 hours typing away! HE'S GONE AND I'M HERE!!! So listen, it's 4a.m. and I have to get up in about 4 hours so I'm not gonna answer anyone till tomorrow evening, but get ready cause I've been itching to tear into you! By the way, I spent over 45 min. answering a message I had recieved and when I pushed send, it didn't and when I tryed to save my message it didn't, so believe me, I tryed to give you something to muse on form the weekend before I left... Talk to you tomorrow!

You're all mad! Mad I tell you!!
Milla - 12:04 29/02/00

I can't wait till tomorrow night, because I'm gonna get prolific on your as**s!! How I made my name pink, you'll never, ever, ever know.

Re: I'm back and ready to ramble!
Milla - 06:12 01/03/00

Hey Io, I guess I love to sleep, but when I come back from somewhere and I'm alone for the first time all day, I don't want to close my eyes to reality, I'd feel kind of cheated if I didn't give myself the time I needed to appreciate my solitude and do something I want, whatever that is... Sometimes I take that time in the morning, before work, I get up extra early to just open the window and let the diffused light inside. It always seems diffused early in the day and a little cold, even if the room is warm. It's so private and quiet in my brain, my thoughts still living in the infinite, where all the dreams seem to be. Anyway, I can't sleep without taking that same time and I guess typing out my thoughts is something I've really needed. I haven't been doing much writing lately, so this feels good, like I'm doing my job to myself i.e., expressing my feelings however I can. I wouldn't generalize talent though. To say that an English director is "cooler" than a French is pretty one-sided. Talent and passion has no nationality, coolness carries no passport. Blah, blah, blah.

Milla - 06:51 01/03/00

Hey man, but how could we travel at the speed of light? We'd burn... If we could some how change the speed at which our molecules travel though. Have you ever read any Carlos Castaneda?

Metron or Mike
Milla - 07:07 01/03/00

Hi Metron, I've found that Jack Daniels is as good if not better than any old absinthe. Other bands I'm into? Well, Velvet Underground for one, Joy Division, Jimi Hendrix, Donald Byrd, Fela Cote... There's too many to really start listing when it comes to old music. New music is John Frusciante, Smog, The MakeUp, Guided by Voices, Cat Power, P.J. Harvey, Fugazi, Beastie Boys, Gangstarr, Genius/GZA... I love to hear new, great bands. They're so inspiring... Sonic Youth! Palace Brothers... I could go on I think. John and I really click when it comes to musical taste, he also loves Joy Division, he introduced me to Os Mutantes, Brian Eno, Bow Wow Wow... the only thing we part in is my love for Neil Young and his interest for John & Yoko albums.

Milla - 07:18 01/03/00

Yea, cause even more so, wouldn't we both be pure energy? We'd have to transform our human shape and make our molecules equal to energy... Do I sound ridiculous? I would love to know more about physics. I never paid attention in math class, I was always drawing, but it seems that physics is the new quest for understanding reality. I'd love to meet some incredible theoretical mathematician... they seem to be the most incredible artists. "What would life look like if I was riding a dust molecule?"and then days, even years of trying to understand and scribbling theories, wild- eyed and tangled when dealing with our ordinary, three dimensional existence.

Milla - 07:27 01/03/00

Hi PhysGuy! The best way to get to me is to help me learn something. It seems that the people you most want to speak with are the ones that will enlighten you, so start typing... What's the best way for an illiterate to understand the fundamentals of all the jargon and a b=oxq? I can grasp theory in my imagination, but all the red tape brings me down. Any good books for beginners?

I don't know what Razzies are.
Milla - 08:01 01/03/00

I feel like my work in "The Messenger" was the most honest representatons of Jeanne I could give. After that, if people don't believe it, I did my best and that's the most anyone can try to give to whatever they're doing...

Speed of light/Physguy
Milla - 08:25 01/03/00

Hey, have you ever read "The Jaunt" by Stephen King? It's a short story and let me tell you, in theory his perspective was the one that made most sense to me (take that as you may...), in a nutshell, people that were transmogrified through these "doorways" that always had an exit "door" wherever your final destination was. Now, rarely the exit doors would be closed and what happens to those molecules, suspended forever, floating through infinity. Well, his call was that a "jaunt" that is almost instanteneous in real time could be a billion years in infinite time. It's both really, no time and eternity at once. So if the exits were opened, even a minute later, the people came out completely in shock, a million years reflected in their bewildered stare, they had aged to almost nothing before they dissappear into dust or death or something. I don't remember the details exactly, but really interesting read. I adore his books. He's got such a keen grasp of human nature in his writing.

FizzGuy Publisher
Milla - 08:29 01/03/00

That's an interesting way of putting it, but what's a grok?

Milla - 08:43 01/03/00

Dressing in drag is great sometimes, I'm sure. I can look like a guy if I want. I had a dream about a great, big queen who sang in shiny, silver clothing. Her song was beautiful, low and jazzy. Then a wherewolf with a bloody knife and staggering, was coming up the street. I quickly took the children downstairs into this basement/ closet and locked the door, but the latch was so small... One of the children would weeze when he breathed and I was trying to put him farther in the corner so his breathing wouldn't be heard, but it sounded so loud in my ears. I could already feel the coldness of his knife tearing us to pieces and I couldn't believe that we would be feeling that any second. An animal feeding, no understanding, no reason. Wow, that's a pretty morbid thing to share with you, sorry. I don't mind if you idolize me, that's really sweet of you.

Questions answered, but only once like this I'm afraid...
Milla - 07:56 01/03/00

The reason I say that is because I have to do enough question answering in my work and that is not what I want to spend my time alone doing. I came here to communicate with people on equal levels, where they also must give me something to think about. I think it's so much more interesting to get spontaneous trains of thought from peolple rather than pre- meditated answers to a set of questions, which feels awfully impersonal. I want to have something to take back with me as well as give. Anyway, it would be much appreciated if people who want questions answered would have a conversation with me and give me their own time as well. Now, I can't imagine that you Rebecca could possibly need all those answers for yourself?!! Whatever though, here goes:

Q: have you got any more films lined up after Kingdom Come, or are there scripts you are interesting in? Or are you planning to spend more time doing gigs (or maybe recording) with your band?
A: I'm not slotted to make any movies after "Kingdom Come" yet, but I would really like to have the summer to work with my band on our sound, solidify our feelings.

Q: Where did you come up with the band name Plastic Has Memory?
A: PHM was somthing that sounded good at the time, who knows what it will be in 6 monthes?

Q: In the various versions of the song on the Peopletree Sessions - "I give you my flu" - what is that about? (rebecca looks confused) you are giving someone your cold? or i was also thinking a flue in a fire place but that makes little sense as well...explanations please
A: I guess I was thinking about how people always keep giving eachother their sickness, especially when they're extremely close, you could going back and forth forever.

Q: Who are your favourite authors, what are your fave books? also as a sub question to this - my fave author is a british writer - Storm Constantine - have you read anything by her?
A: I've never read the lady you're speaking of, but I'd say my all time favorite writer has to be Gabriel Garcia Marquez, I actually make references from the book "A Hundred Years of Solitude" at the end of my up-coming film "The Million Dollar Hotel". It's a really beautiful movie, I'm so proud of it, it's in my opinion the best project I've ever been involved with.

Q: What are your favourite films and/or tv shows? do you have time to watch much tv?
A: I make time sometimes to watch "The Simpsons", also there's a new show called "Freaks and Geeks", which has a sublime, young actor playing the younger brother of the main girl. He's absolutely a pleasure to behold.

Q: Is there anything that you havent done yet that you would like to do sometime in the future?
A: I'd like to focus on mastering to play the guitar. It's something that drives me insane,not being able to freely express myself with that instrument.

Q: Would you be willing to email your fans or would you be worried that they would just write and write and write to you (sort of like this crazy board!) and you woulld never have and free time left?
A: It would be nice to be able to talk to everybody, so it would be nice for questions to form from common interests rather than a birrage of questions. If not, I'm gonna be having a harder and harder time keeping up with the present disscussions.

Q: how much longer will filming for KC take place - do the folks know? And will Milla still post here once filming is complete?
A: I'm here till the first week in April, then taking a much needed week to go on my boyfriend's RHCP's tour. I've been having a wonderful time speaking to everyone, so I dn't see why I'd lose interest all of a sudden.

Re: anybody can be loved by anybody....
Milla - 08:39 08/03/00

Hey Jonathan, I was just talking to someone about this exact subject and I think everyone is amazing, interesting, has so much to offer etc.. The problem is, do any of us have the time or energy to find out? Most of the time we become friends with the ones we hit it off with right away... I know that I pass so many incredible people by, but then my life would be spent on everyone else. I truly believe that the only reason people don't get along is bacause it's easier not to. It takes energy to get to know people and if don't "click" pretty fast, we usually write people off... I'm really not ever doing that anymore, not since I came to this realization, but it doesn't change the fact that I have only a few friends who I trust. I just don't have time to be that much of a people loving socialite. You just have to remember not to judge others so fast. Anyway, in a nutshell, even Hitler had people that loved him and said he was a swell guy, so everyone has many different facets to their personalities, it's only hard to accept all of them, because they're every where. Does that sound awful?

Re: anybody can be loved by anybody....
Milla - 07:58 09/03/00

Hey Oscar. I didn't mean at all that we're supposed to be friends with everyone because everyone is interesting... Everyone has a story and everyone has a myriad of emotions to offer, that's a given, but we can't listen and feel every single one! There are some people that we easily connect with and they become sometimes lifetime companions, but I feel that anyone we gave a real chance to, we would see that we have so much in common with or if not, so much to discover about the other. We just don't have the time or interest to make ourselves accessible to everyone. I like to have only a few close friends, I don't give my time to many people, because if I did, I wouldn't have time cultivate whatever it is inside me that's worth cultivating. I hope I've made myself a bit more clear...

Re: anybody can be loved by anybody....
anonymous - 08:19 09/03/00

My dear Charles! I used Hitler as the most horrendous example of the fact that everyone has different faces, even someone like that. Even the worst people can find others that will love them and agree with them... His girlfriend will say that he was so tender and sweet, it's remarkable to me! But given that he's the epitamy of evil and even he could find understanding, it goes without saying that the rest of humankind which is most of the time the polar opposite of evil would also find so much to share with one another if they so choose. Listen, that was the worst example I could have thought of to explain my feelings on this matter, I'm so sorry to confuse the issues! Life is gorgeous sometimes Charles and just to feel those fleeting moments of happiness makes everything else worth it, I think. We have to make a concious effort not to judge people before we've given them a chance to be themselves, true and honest. On the other hand, we can judge Hitler. Harshly. Sorry for the spelling errors.

Milla - 08:20 09/03/00

Who do you know that I know?

Re: anybody can be loved by anybody....
Milla - 08:25 09/03/00

That anonymous was mine, but I forgot to type in my name, I swear.

Subatomic, your thoughts are welcome...
Milla - 18:27 09/03/00

Yes, I know these flashes, I recognize these solitary moments of lucidity. I've had dreams of running away into endless stretches of rolling field, telephone wires reaching up and across they ride the bottom of the horizen. I walk on maps in my sleep and do kamikazi nose dives straight into the sea... I had this dream once where I was walking through the north pole, everything was white, the land and sky. The only seperation was the naked trees crawling up into the heavy clouds. It was so gorgeous, I can't even tell you! I was startled in my sleep by the beauty in front of my eyes. Then suddenly, I noticed there were polar bears everywhere, you couldn't differentiate them from the infinite white at first, they were sleeping together and walking around. I was so filled with peace and my heart swelled with my good fortune at seeing these incredible, indescribable visions... No man can live in fear, it's something I have to remind myself everyday. Life is useless without magic and fearlessness of doing what gives you joy to breathe. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they're sublime.

Why I take the time
Milla - 18:47 09/03/00

Well, I guess most importantly PhysGuy, I do this because it gives me the opportunity to write! I've been going through a kind of block in my songwriting recently and this has really opened me up to so many different understandings with myself I guess. Conversation in real life is not recorded, but here, I can go back and remember things I felt and then I know myself more... Anyway, I love writing. It's really funny cause, you guys have been closer to my present emotions than any of my friends(unless they started logging on!) I would never be able to give anyone this much in person, I know that for a fact, it's the solitude we must have to collect our thoughts that makes me communicate as much as I have, I would be too nervous in reality to share any of the things I have, in person to someone. So, I go home to L.A. and my band and I are jamming and what do you know!? The words fall out of my mouth like nothing, they came easy, like any real art should, I think. I'll write the words of this new song we're working on for whoever is interested, I know alot of you have been posting gorgeous poems and thoughts, so I will to!

- Replace myself
space myself
throw myself from the window
throw myself from the aerial view of the highest
holy fall
it was a holy fall

Holy fall
it was a holy fall that brought me
Holy fall
it was a holy fall that brought me

wrinkled, old doll face
on her way to the ball
I've got only myself to thank for it all
I can think of you almost brushing up against me
I can think of you almost touching me
and it's not dark at all
it's not dark at all in here

Holy fall
watching shadows turn to years
Holy fall
it was a holy fall that brought me
it brought me to this place
into this gorgeous time...-

Anyway, you'd have to hear it with the music to get all the nuances of course, there's parts I repeat and stuff. Hope you like it! I got to go now, I'm incredibly late to go and record the fado music for the movie, but my power got cut last night when I started answering this and I had to finish when I got up! Sorry, till next time, bye! By the way, I'm so pleased that we have so many extra- ordinary people writing on this sight, it's really so great to have so many interesting things to read from everybody. Thanks everyone!!

ex-sniper navy SEAL
Milla - 03:43 10/03/00

Why before you became a SEAL? Did they do something bad to your dreams?

Re: To Milla, I have found a fraud (I think)
Milla - 03:50 10/03/00

No! That's certainly noy my e-mail address!!

Re: Why I take the time
Milla - 04:01 10/03/00

Hey Furry, I think if you read my "Second Update", I write a bit about what writing means to me. I think using your imagination is the best way to go and not worry if it's personal or not. Anything honest is personal. I love Cat Power! "...where do rockets find planets..."

Lucid dreaming
Milla - 07:09 10/03/00

Hey everyone, a few words on the ever eluding lucid dreams. I know I had one when I was younger, I was walking down this path in the forest and I knew that something awful was following me, I found myself incredibly frightened as this thing was gaining on me, then without even being aware of it, I looked down and saw my hands. Now, if any of you are Carlos Castaneda fans, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about... After seeing my hands I found that I could make decisions like, pulling a sword out of my belt. I turned toward this thing and stood my ground... In his books, CC writes that looking at your hands is the first step towards controlling your dreams i.e. lucid dreaming, being aware of yourself in that world and making concious decisions instead of just being led along by the power of the dream. At that time I wasn't aware of lucid dreaming or CC, but something about this dream stayed with me for a long time, the fact that I could make a choice to fight back instead of running away and having my legs get heavier and heavier which is what always happened in the end. Since that dream and then my avid interest in CC books and theories, I could never remember to look at my hands in my sleep, no matter how hard I tryed. Lucid dreaming is the first step to attaining spiritual freedom I believe, it puts you in touch with parts of your psyche that you're not using normally. Dreams are as real as reality, not to mention they make up at least half a persons memory if we could remember all of them and when dealing with memories, what's the difference between a dream and reality? Saying that, controlling your dreams is key to living your life to it's fullest(something I have yet to accomplish) because you make the choices. He said that the first step is the most difficult, remembering to remember that you're asleep and dreaming, looking at your hands and then "waking up" into your dream. Then you go further by lifting your head and seeing what's in front of you, further still and very difficult is turning side to side because you actually now must create your enviroment conciously since your brain is lucid and controlling itself. He suggests creating things that are familiar such as your bedroom, your home, your street etc... Then you can move on to your old school or place of work whatever really just to train your visualization skills. In time ostensibly, you could be flying and traveling to anyplace in your imagination! But before you know it BOOM! You're having real life out of body experiences and visiting these places for real and not just in your dreams. That's the point I think is the out of body experience. Gosh, now that I'm sitting and thinking about it I remember a dream I had a few years ago where I was standing on the top of a building and I was so scared again. I felt likme the edge of this building was literally sucking me to it, I couldn't stop myself from getting thrown off when I remembered that I was dreaming! Offcourse I remember now, it was the one other time I I really had a lucid dream, I looked at my hands and suddenly knew that I didn't have to be controlled by this nightmare and I stopped. I looked at N.Y.C. around me, I could hear the wind in my ears, I was like "I made it, woohoo! Now I'm really doing it!" and then the funniest thing happened, I tryed to turn my head, but I couldn't, it was so hard. It was as if my brain wouldn't let me, just like a computer, the choice of turning my head was simply not there. I realized then that I didn't even know what to see if I did turn my head because I hadn't created what would be there for me to look at, I didn't know what to see. Finally I just decided to not turn left or right, nothing was there yet and I wanted to fly, so I jumped of the edge! Anyway, those are my thoughts on this matter, it's of the utmost importance to me and something that I desperetely want to achieve... I find that all my dreams make sense to me( at least the ones I remember) at some point in my life, I think it's that part of your brain that's very tied into your intuition showing you your truest feelings, most of the time the ones you try not to think about when awake. Man, I know that my dreams have tormented me in the past, when I did things that weren't natural to me, that I knew deep inside were wrong for me and every night my mind would be set free to ravage my sleep with my honest emotions. By the way, I'm answering threads sporadically, because I like to read everything first before I go back and join specific conversations, but sometimes like now! I find I can't help but write because the subject is so dear to me and something I know I've sort of tryed to educate myself on as much as I could...

conversations with me!
Milla - 23:01 11/03/00

I'm so happy that my presence here is enjoyed by you all, I try to answer as much as I can. I've taken to reading alot more than I've answered since I've had family with mr all week, not speaking of my boyfriend who was here before... Already they all complain that I'm always on this bloody thing. Nevertheless, I think it's just great to be able to share interests with people that I don't know, not knowing more than the good things about one another. Sometimes, I just can't stop myself from writing about some subjects... Anyway, I want to start my own website, but I wonder how I would be able to keep up with it, to not let people feel neglected. It's so touching to read sweet compliments about yourself, but hard to answer to, I mean what could I possibly say except thank you? Hi Charles! I think I did answer you somewhere in here didn't I? So I hope you all don't resent me for answering the threads I'm naturally verbose about. Talk to you again!

Re: conversations with me!
Milla - 22:39 12/03/00

Hey JTM! Of my influences for DC, I think alot of Kate Bush and folk music. If you want to read some Castaneda, the first book is called "The Teachings of Don Juan". Good Luck and speak to you soon!

Re: versions of me!
Milla - 23:11 12/03/00

Agent Ehron! It's good to know people are starting to see the difference between good acting and false mannerisms and tricks. I'm as bad as the next actor, but then there are those blessed moments of complete recognition and honesty is born. I want so badly to create truth in my work, whatever that ends up being... even if I'm cooking, I want that same passion and love into doing the absolute best I can do(my cooking sucks most of the time, but i do make a pretty killer pasta sauce...). About Bamff. Well, let's try to make this as vague as I can without saying nothing at all. John is an extremely sensitive human being, to the point where he communicates with the spirit world all the time, especially when he writes his music. You have to be so intune with many different dimensions to express yourself as skillfully and honestly as he does, must have a unique capacity for understanding the nuances of dream and reality... I think Gabriel Garcia Marquez probably has that same feeling about him, I'm positive Castaneda does. Anyway, an exchange happened between us that was completely natural to two people getting very close in a relationship, but since we're learning new things about one another everyday, at that point it confused us and sent him into a pretty solitary head space. I think more than anything, John needs to push boundaries, with himself firstly and then with others, especially those close to him. He was scared that I didn't know what I was getting involved with and wanted to show me(without knowing it himself at the time) his "awful side." Well, what he hadn't bargained for was that my patience has no limits when it comes to him, it's new for me to feel so loving to someone that even if they say hurtful things to me, I see beyond them and know that he's hurting so badly right now and all I want to do is make him feel better. I guess that's what we call "unconditional love", so instead of freaking out and saying "f*** you, I'm outta here" I asked if I could sit next to him and put my arms around him till he understood that no matter what he said, I'd still be here with my arms around him and that he's the most glorious vision I could ever ask for. I'm the queen of storming out, I never gave this feeling to any other relationship I've ever had because... well because no one before deserved it from me. They will deserve it from others in the future, but at that time not from me. I worship him. When he smiles it makes my body overflow with happiness. I mean, this is someone I've been in love with since the first time I heard his music, he's the most important person in my life, next to my little brother. Saying all that, I think we feel when someone is being truly abusive with us and when a relationship is unhealthy to be a part of, I wouldn't stay, even with John, if he ever became physically or verbally abusive with me. See you later compadre. This was something that needed to happen between us, it suddenly brought us so close because he felt he had really given me every chance to leave or argue or feel like we had no chance to make it as a couple... he just felt horrible feelings towards himself that hurt me because I think he's God. When he saw I wasn't reeling back from him in disgust but on the other hand took him even closer to me, he came back to himself and stopped feeling so doomed. It was a very emotional night and morning. So that's the long and short of it. I hope I didn't say too much. Man, I'm listening to this Brian Eno record "Send in the Warm Jets" for like the 50th time since yesterday! I'm buzzing so hard from it. See you!

Re: Castaneda Fans Look Here
Milla - 23:18 12/03/00

Hey Donald, why is he dead? Do you think he's really dead? He can't be dead, if he died then there's no hope. I'll read your book though for sure, it sounds amazing.

Re: conversations with me!
Milla - 23:25 12/03/00

I do have a nickname, but I'm not telling that! I just use my real name here...

Re: conversations with me!
Milla - 23:32 12/03/00

I would love to start a site for myself to continue our conversations... I wonder if it's possible to start some sort of interior page inside the main site that a smaller, select group could talk in because I don't know if I could keep up with so many questions etc... Let me tell you though, it beats s***ty journalists misconstruing all my thoughts and feelings. So yes Mark, I'd love to keep up our conversations and have some truth be known about my real personality... Dimitri, JTM, Fixxxer, Superluminal, keep them ideas coming!

Gabriel Garcia Marquez & memories
Milla - 02:23 13/03/00

Dear Agent Ehren, good luck with your book, it's so exciting to create. I'm sorry about your relationship, I know how hard it is for both people, the ones who've ended it as much as the person who it's ended for. I have memories that kick me in the stomach because they're so soft and lovely... The thing that kills me about relationships and their corresponding memories is the first dissapointment. That moment when you fowl something up real bad for the first time and suddenly the two of you are in different hemispheres, even if forgiveness is asked and given, you know that this will be forever between you. All the beautiful things you've shared together, the purity of your emotions is suddenly embarressing to think about, all the promises, the laughter rings dully in your mind. Dissapointment is the hardest thing to forget. When you see that in someone's eyes, whether it's directed at you or not, it's the hardest thing to watch, especially in those you love. I live so much in things that have passed, I don't let it go, it carries me across many times and borders, it propels me forward, it keeps me back. The sweeter the memory, the harder it is to think about without crying for what's gone. I'm standing in this place, here, in this exact place where we laughed so much and the way you said my name will echo always in my brain, the way you took my hand, so sure of this if nothing else, so sure that this was something to rely on with closed eyes because I told you, told you so many times how much I love you, this place is here still, it will never change for a hundred years, but we will have disappeared to God knows which dimension, which time, which space, among starngers who will say so many things to fill our ears. This exact place, I'm here! But none of that matters anymore, I see your shadow and I almost feel your face, it seems so strange that I can't just bring it back, trace your form on the walls and remind you of that time... I live among ghosts that walk around me carelessly, they speak of tenderness with their cold tongues, they entertain me daily, they sit daily with me, whispering my name just like you did and when I'm sure that this can't be, I can't have such vivid memories of things and they're just gone! If I stand here and scream till my soul catches fire, they will arrive, they must for they were here before, right here in this place where I stand now. I will wait. A little morbid rambling in case you all haven't had enough! I don't think that even touched the place I wanted it to, I try and imagine how these memories make me feel and the sadness that beautiful moments leave in their wake just denies my powers of articulation. I video taped for one summer. All my friends(all three of them!) and my parents, my boyfriend at the time and now I'm so scared to watch them. I keep seeing myself at 50, homeless, sick and tired sitting under the trees and living in this surreal reality of my past. Just the fact that it's passed, gone, nowhere to be found and I'm still the same, I'm still here, but they're not... Oh man! I can't really put my finger on how to explain what I'm feeling, so I won't. See you!

Gabriel Garcia Marquez & memories
Milla - 02:29 13/03/00

I got so caught up in memories I forgot to mention, GGM is my favorite writer ever. You must read "One Hundred Years of Solitude" for one, but you have to read it like 35 times to get evrything that man has placed there for our lucky benefit. I make alot of references to one part of that book in this imrov. I did at the end of "Million Dollar Hotel"(my new movie). See you!

Re: RE: ---TO: Milla
Milla - 02:47 13/03/00

Jonothan, I'm very happy you bear me so much goodwill. I hope you get it back a hundredfold. One word on John though, It don't have to try and keep him happy, it's the most natural thing in the world for me to give him happiness, he's given me so much beauty and understanding in myself! If I hadn't heard his music "Niandra LaDes and Usually just a T-Shirt" and "Smile from the Streets You Hold" I'd be a very different person, he's single handedly molded my artistic sensabilities and I could never thank him enough for the amount of light he's brought to me. To be good to him, be sweet, supportive is what I've wanted for almost ten years now(well, I'm aging myself 4 years, but that's beside the point). There hasn't been a day since I was eighteen that I haven't sent him a thought. Just a thought in my head especially for him, sending him good feelings to beat the demons that chased him, to be happy, to preserve his dear health, to MAKE ANOTHER RECORD! I've never had so much respect for someone's opinion and understandings, my ego is unimportant because I love him with all my heart. He's so good to me too, don't worry! I don't know if he's ever had someone love him as much as I do and he thanks me for it 30 times a day! Even when he's not feeling good, like the night I described, it's never directed at me, it's feeling not good enough in himself which offcourse hurts me because I love him so much and hate to see him insecure with his sweet self. There is a beautiful line that sums it all up better than I ever could in "Romeo & Juliet": " bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep, the more I give to thee the more I have, for both are infinite..." Talk to you soon!

Re: conversations with me!
Milla - 02:54 13/03/00

My dear Cashac, your words are so honest and beautiful! Thank you so much! I love the way you almost immortalize all of us here together. This page has really become friend and diary to me and I'm so happy to finally have a direct link to intelligent people who enjoy listening to my mumblings. I will remember your words and will definetly come here when I need help with something!

Re: Conversations with Milla
Milla - 02:58 13/03/00

Dear Pam, you are incredibly sweet and I hope you go for what makes you happy in life. Don't let your height control you because you're not crippled and haven't been born with anything to stop you from achieving your heart's desires. I will try to see the movie you're speaking of, but man, I really don't watch enough movies...

Re: A good conversation
Milla - 03:16 13/03/00

Man! I know it's awful! Not the compliments mind you, but the fact that great threads disappear into the dark vortex of "2-3-4" and never get mentioned again. I don't know what to do... I try not to answer monosyllabically, so by the time I'm through with people's answers to my own postings, it's 3:00a.m. and I have to sleep! Ian help us! I'm gonna ask him if there's an easier way to keep track of what's going on here. Look at that Dmitry! You've started an interesting piece of conversation! Anyway, as long as I have time everyday to logon I can speak to almost everybody, it's only when I travel, get visits from family etc... that the posts recede into the ether... For everyone to know, thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words, I appreciate it so much. If it makes it any better, I'm actually copying every single letter of every single message for my own personal files. I've given this site alot of time and energy and it won't disappear just like that, even if some conversations dissipate, their feeling and energy will be forever recorded in my journal and the goodness I feel from everybody fills my life with so much happiness... Thank you all again and I hope you don't disapear.

Re: Banff, God and idol......
Milla - 03:40 13/03/00

Hey Zoe! I'm wondering the same thing! All I can say is this: I love him beyond words and I know that has made a profound impression in his mind, not to mention the fact that he saw the Joan of Arc movie and cried 3 or 4 times... Can you imagine, he wanted to tell me how much he admired me! I think I would have died if he would've told me his feelings first because of the magnitude of my love for him. Plus, I don't know anyone, including me, who cried during that movie! I'm very consumed with my own life as well, so it's not like I'm just a fan of his that isn't just as passionate about my own creations. I think it's really important to retain your feeling of self in any ralationship, but especially when you're with an artist, you have to have your own life, which always makes you more interesting for people. I don't depend on him and I exist on my own, so I think(I hope)that balances things out a little.

Re: Gabriel Garcia Marquez & memories
Milla - 03:56 13/03/00

Hey Fixxer! I remember the first time I read "One Hundred Years" I was sixteen, I finished it the night of my birthday and it left such an irrevocable impression on me... I would go through my day and keep remembering these people in my mind and situations that seemed so familiar, so comforting, then I realized that I was remembering passages from the book as if they were my own memories! I was hooked. I adore "Love in the Time of Cholera". I read Steinbeck a while ago and it didn't hit me the same way, but Kafka rules! You just reminded me that I should re-read "Metamorphosis". have you ever read "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rainer Maria Rilke? It's one of the most beautiful pieces I've been witness to, also, "Falling" by Colin Thubron is about a trapeze artist...

Re: Conversations with Milla
Milla - 04:16 13/03/00

Unique, You're speaking of retaining your sense of self, where my energy and motivation comes from? Well, I always think I'm lazy and not doing enough... If I was a real artist, I would know how to play guitar with my eyes closed, I would get every part I wanted, I would write in a journal everyday and keep better records of my life, there's so much that I don't do it makes me sick, but then I haven't taken a real vacation in years... I'm constantly starting and ending my days without stop and feeling uncomfortable if I spend to much time with friends, with my lover, my family... I don't do enough, yet I don't know how I could do more... My ex-husband told me that I needed to schedule my days better, then I could have enough time, but I'm not like him, I can't just sit down from 11:00a.m. to 2:00p.m. and write a song, it comes when it comes... Offcourse I could practice my guitar more and take my acting classes more often. Man! Don't remind me of everything I'm not doing! Just kidding.

Re: poetry thread anyone
Milla - 04:25 13/03/00

all that I invite
leaves without regret
another book replaces the last one

Re: Re: versions of me!
Milla - 04:36 13/03/00

My dear Metron Mike, I see that everyone must only see that one evening with John and I as a representation of our typical dynamics with one another, I think it's incredibly healthy for people to express their honest feelings with one another and that's what that was all about. I've now seen what John thinks is so "awful" about himself and let me tell you it's nothing to get worried about on my end, it's things he has to realize about himself that worry me, because he's such a sweet person. I know abuse. I spent my whole life witness to my father's incomprehensible rages and my mothers acceptance of that and promised myself very long ago that I would never follow that path. I am a very easy going person and do not accept violence to body or mind in my relationships with friends or lovers, I would never stay with someone who made me feel bad about myself and trust me, I've experienced those to know what to avoid when I see it... Please, going back to our older threads, DON'T JUDGE before you truly understand, any of you. People should be so lucky as me to have someone like John in their lives and would kill to have misunderstandings as loving and peaceful as ours are.

Re: Conversations with Milla
Milla - 04:41 13/03/00

JTM, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having problems... Living with people can be hell. Have you tried to make certain rules with your roomate, I'm sure you have. Good luck man and maybe Yoga could help alleviate some stress, at least so you can sleep.

Re: poetry thread anyone
Milla - 05:07 13/03/00

05:07 13/03/00 lessons unlearned
the guitar of my life plays
a silent song lost in the way
I see so many lonely
I break the head these thoughts invade
nothing but the days to pull me, nothing but another day

Re: poetry thread anyone
Milla - 05:12 13/03/00

It's hard to keep the poetry thread going cause I can't write before someone else wrote and then by the time I matched my words with the last paragragh, it's changed. Can we figure out a better method?

Re: Banff, God and idol......
Milla - 05:22 13/03/00

Matsuluna, one of my favorite writers in the world is Ayn Rand. I've read "Atlas Shrugged" two times and "The FointainHead" "We the People" and her "Artistic Manifesto", I find that woman incredibly facinating if a bit cold. She inspired me very much a while ago and I should re-read those books, thanks! I think most great artists have problems letting go of their ideals to have a shall we say "normal" relationship with people.

Re: RE: ---------Milla----------my problems
Milla - 05:32 13/03/00

Jonathan, your words are sweet and clear. Don't push them away. I know that it's difficult to communicate them at times, I've felt like the biggest moron as well before. The most important thing is to be honest. Then your words carry great power. Even if you feel like a dork, be an honest one, then you'll help others and you won't feel so moronic!

Re: Story Time Break
Milla - 05:35 13/03/00

Agent Ehren, don't feel lonely. Prepare yourself for the ones who will alleviate it, because someone will.

Re: poetry thread anyone
Milla - 05:39 13/03/00

Unique! I love the poetry thread, I don't want it to stop.

evrything passing
don't say you're going too
too many sweet words to share
too many cracks in the ceiling today
I'm happy to refuel
get ready for the aloneness that will come
come what may

Re: Milla, are you still here?????
Milla - 05:44 13/03/00

I must say, my typing skills are pretty good now! Has it been that long? Jesus, maybe I should go and have a drink or something, but I'm having such agreat time. The only thing that's difficult is that replying and getting back to the last thread is really slow, I'll have to talk to Ian about that. In the meantime, I've been drawing a new design idea, I like to design clothes when I have a pencil and paper.

Re: TO MILLA,:A bizzare story (musical career doozy).
Milla - 00:19 14/03/00

Hey Spicoli, I can't say much except that isolation is the most important thing in creating beautiful things and honing your skills at whatever you do. I have the complete opposite problem, I'm almost never alone. I'm always working, always and that's been a big problem for my relationships as well because I feel guilty when I spend too much time just hanging out with my boyfriend. Not having that time alone has really limited me I feel, I don't play guitar as well as I should and could for that matter... Anyway, I think if you concentrate on being the best you can be and focus on your work, everything will come, as long as you give, give in your life emotionally, give to your music... the world will come back to you. Keep giving beauty to people, play shows, share your art with others that way and the world will find you, I'm certain of that. You sound like an extra-ordinary person and unfortunetely most like you are destined for solitude. Don't concentrate on finding others, I don't think that will help, let your art reach people, be honest and everything will come. By the way, I don't even know what I'm talking about, I'm just being honest with you about my feelings on this. Good luck!

Re: Thank you Milla
Milla - 00:25 14/03/00

I remember you! I must admit, you writing "your real friend" kind of put me off since real friendship takes alot of work and you really don't know me apart from a few isolated moments! I think your writing is so beautiful, I hope you keep that going because that's so important, it helps you understand yourself and the world. Conversation disappears, but writing is always there to study, compare and draw new conclusions from. I wish you all the best!

Re: Banff, God and idol......
Milla - 00:37 14/03/00

Thank you Raoul for your kind words! I'm so happy you enjoyed the movie, i thought there were good bits in it too. I love the fall, that was my own stunt and I fell 25 feet with nothing beneath me but the stunt guys to catch me! It was so cool!

Re: I wish you all the worst
Milla - 00:01 14/03/00

One of the only people that doesn't speak "normal" to me Charles is YOU. And if speaking "normal" means being disrespectful than I don't want your kind of normality. Offcourse I'm the same as other women, but saying that, I think all women in different ways are extra-ordinary creatures. People just happen to see me more in magazines and film, but I work just as hard as others, if not more so because I have alot of personal problems that I'm still trying to solve that actually I had nothing to do with. What gives you the right to get so aggresive? It's not at all pleasant.

Impress rather than express, also a message to everyone
Milla - 21:50 13/03/00

"Impress rather than express" I can't say I haven't tried to do the same. Everything I write to you guys is careful to put my best foot forward and I think that's great. There's no reason why all of us shouldn't try to test boundaries daily and trying to be our best is a wonderful thing. I read somewhere, it slips my mind at the moment, I think it might be Voltaire(there I go trying to impress again!), that doing things that are good, even if they are not natural, again and again makes you in the end what? Well, good! I mean, if you're always trying to impress and it doesn't give you any insecurities and you're constantly looking clean and nice and trying to speak well to people and share interesting things with them, in so many words giving people the best your personality has to offer in the end will only help you become a better, more intelligent human being, no? It's not about being something you're not, please understand the difference, because being fake is the worst for your confidence, but really just making sure that you're the best you can be. I think we should all try and do that more not only with strangers, but especially with those we know very well, because it seems that as soon as you get to know people well, it's like you get lazy or something and start not caring about how they see you on a daily level. Again, I'm not speaking of extremes like putting on a pound of makeup before you go out to get the mail, but just making the effort to keep that respect of yourself and others intact with your actions and words. Thank you Subatomic for starting another interesting topic... Actually, if I may say, I've only read through subatomic's message so far and I am so absolutely over the moon at how gorgeous the threads have been lately. Frances, those ruminations are sublime, I'm gonna answer them in a second and everyone in general has been so sensitive and interesting in their thought process. Bravo people! You've really brought so much beauty out of me since I logged on at this site and have inspired me to think and feel more than anyone in my daily life. I love writing here and it's all thanks to you.

Re: the world of Milla as seen by Milla
Milla - 22:10 13/03/00

Dear Milla,
I find it amazing that you're keeping on top of all this, but you shouldn't worry that people are being neglected by you if their questions are not answered. If you had you're own website you'd have to just have a forum for people's messages rather than a Q&A page.
Anyway, here's my question, I just wondered how you see all this celluloid, paper, photographic film, web sites etc that are ingrained or commited to your image. Do you see it as part of you? Is it seperate and in your control, or completely out of your control? Do you think there will be a day when you think "There's just too many images of me in the world"?

In answer to your question Tom I'd like to say firstly that it's very rare that I have a chance to see most of this stuff you mention. I don't spend much time looking at my own pictures or reading articles etc... mostly because like everyone, I see myself in one light and usually don't really like how others see me i.e. pictures that people have taken, with articles I get so goddamn depressed reading them that I just don't anymore because I know that only one side of my personality will be shown by the journalist and it's usually my silliness that they want to write about and I think it's really cowardly and condescending because I try to speak to them as I've written here on this site, but it's almost like they would rather gag than let me appear halfway intelligent, or at least truthful to who I am. Does that make sense? I don't see Milla in the press I've received. I see some caricature that these people have created when I can't fight back. Offcourse they would never use the same tone with me that they later exploit in writing when they're safe at home to slaughter my personality with all the talent for that sort of thing that their little, vindictive hearts have to offer. So, I just try my hardest to keep to myself and every new press experience teaches me to keep myself as closed to them as I can and not give them anything to twist, so what they've now decided to do if they don't have enough stupidity from me on the day is go back to old articles, from when I was a teenager and got off on being "bad" and just print that up verbatim even though they spent more than three bloody hours talking to me. You'll read a new article with me and for some strange reason, my quotes from the day are extremely limited, sometimes maybe to lines of what I actually said then and there, but paragraphs of me years ago and regurgitated information from other articles in the past. It makes me so mad and now I understand why some artists make it really difficult for interviewers to get any realinformation from them. I'm done being honest with those morons, all my energy ends up disappearing into their stack of celebrity cassettes and never seeing the light of day since the time they came out of my mouth. I hope that answers a bit of your question. By the way, thank you for the sweet things you said to me, it means a lot.

Re: ruminations
Milla - 22:29 13/03/00

It's as if we barrel from the confidence of childhood straight into the insecurity of adultness and the funniest thing is, we want to so badly. We can't wait to grow up, never suspecting to what extent we will lose all connection to ourselves and then spend the rest of our lives looking, looking, endlessly searching for ways to feel comfortable in our own skins. I also awoke, right before the holidays I suddenly opened my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. I'm back! I felt so much lighter in spirit than I had in so long. I realized for better or for worse that I am me and there's no trying to be other than that, whatever that is I still don't know and if I just relax and do what I'm doing, more than anything try to enjoy my life which is so blessed and forget about living up to the expectancy of others. My writing could be dull or annoyingly typical and unoriginal, but if I'm really honest about it, that's who I am and God bless that! At least people will learn from my honesty rather than get confused by my pretenses. I totally know what you mean Frances when you say that your nerves are above your skin. I say that all the time! I want to feel my life, I want to fly in my dreams, I want to love and see everything around me as clearly as possible, I want no fear in this house and if I die from this fearlessness than so be it. My mom thinks I should be Gwyneth Paltrow by now, when I say "Look at my beautiful home, everything is good in my life, don't worry..." she says that I should own the whole block(Please don't think badly of my mother from this, it's also just one part of her incredibly colorful personality). Well, I have no desire to own the block, I want to live! I want to wander the desert and travel into other dimensions, I've got more than enough fame, I'd probably have more money if I didn't support so many preople! All is good and I'm free. That's the most important thing to me, to retain my freedom. Anyway, sorry my writing isn't as poetic as yours, it touched me so deeply though. Bye for now!

Ayn Rand versus Carlos Castaneda
Milla - 22:40 13/03/00

hey triple J, as you're so fondly called! I love so many different genre of writing, music, clothing, food... I think every philosophy if not taken to the extreme(except maybe CC, but I wouldn't know where to start and I don't think I have the strength yet to cut all my present strings of everyday existence) is useful to get a clear well rounded perspective of life. I definetely don't stand behind everything that anyone says, Ayn is selfish to a fault, CC says that children are you worse enemy, Gabriel Garcia won't let his books be made to film(even though that would take us back to the old thread about "The Master&Margarita" and who could possibly direct "One Hundred Years of Solitude"? Wim Wenders yet again ladies and gentlemen.), so I try to take from all these people what agrees with me rather than follow one like the bible.

ass lickin feels good!
Milla - 22:55 13/03/00

I can only say Rudi, that I'm to hard on myself to let myself get conceited, if anything, your guy's support is a breath of fresh air in a world filled with bad wishers, rejections and countless obstacles set by others and more difficult than all that, those set by myself. If I start to sound conceited though, please be the first to bring me back to earth!

Re: ruminations ayn rand
Milla - 22:59 13/03/00

I am what I am and if you cut of my limbs and gouged out my eyes, I would not be me as I've always been, I would be other.

Re: Simpsons
Milla - 23:05 13/03/00

The Simpsons are the best thing on television and film for that matter.

Re: Atlas shrugged...
Milla - 23:09 13/03/00

On the other hand Subatomic I found that book gave me so much confidence to shake off this need for acceptance that I had. I felt on top of the world after I had finished it. I guess I could have been as scared to face myself as you were, but I looked at it differently...

Re: Every 1000 years...
Milla - 23:12 13/03/00

I love "Built to Spill"!! They are so amazing.

Re: Afterlife
Milla - 23:27 13/03/00

I am so confused in this matter, I wouldn't know what to say except that John(my boyfriend, look to older threads) is certain if not a bit derrogatory toward people that don't believe in an afterlife. He has traveled to places that cannot be explained so easily and spoken to dead people, he's astral traveled and actually been in places that people said they saw him at when he knew as well as his mothers name that he had been at home... He talks naturally as if he's read every CC book when I know he doesn't even know who CC is(I'm trying to get him to read some of them...). That's my pedestrian comment.

RHCP sound so much better with John
Milla - 23:33 13/03/00

I know!!!! Can you believe the difference?! I mean, BSSM was such a brilliant album and when John left it was literally all about leather pants and see through shirts rather than amazing music... Then he comes back and suddenly it's a different story all together! It's so evident that he controls the depth and passion of that band, even though I think Flea and Anthony are brilliant, without John's extra-ordinary writing skills and musical sensibilities that band is not for me. Don't worry about the drugs, he's so disciplined.

Re: Atlas shrugged...
Milla - 23:37 13/03/00

I doubt that! If you see pictures of her, that unsmiling face tells alot of stories, but baby laughter is not one of them!

Milla - 05:23 16/03/00

This is kind of a pet peeve of mine, but everybody I meet I ask this question, this may sound really weird. Everybody has their own personallity trait, what song do you think represents your self the most?

For the moment, "Big Takeover" by the Bad Brains and "St. Elmo's Fire" by Brian Eno.

Re: To Sub
Milla - 05:31 16/03/00

Yea, it's really beautiful here too. I walked half dreaming through my day, sleeping any free moment I had with one eye, when I was driving home the sky looked like something I had seen in my deepest memories, it made me call my mom and dad.

Re: You like Bad Brains??
Milla - 05:37 16/03/00

Bad Brains is so incredible, it's so melodic to me. RATM are cool too. I also think Bow Wow Wow are really amazing, their drummer and guitar player, they're really great.

An empty Milla speaks
Milla - 03:02 18/03/00

1.Ex, you call yourself a christian. All you've proved about your so- called "christianity" is that christians like you are:
a)extremely judgmental
b)self righteous
d)very eager to make themselves feel more important than they do That, to me is disgusting. And with words veiled in the guise of HONESTY! Yes, everyone is Entitled to an opinion, that goes without saying you schmuck, but when those opinions are hurtful, we keep them to ourselves, unless they are determental to that person or helpful. We don't become smug, little judges with sweet smiles to cover the venom. You telling me that I'm empty is in no way useful or instructive to me, therefore it's aimed to put me down. While saying things like "please don't take this in the wrong way" or "... my intention isn't to offend or hurt anyone..." is a lie. It's also sickeningly condescending. Two more for the old list: e)condescending and f)lieing. This sort of behavior is very typical of "religious" people as opposed to "spiritual" people, have fun discussing that issue. If I ask someone to tell me what they think, not cut me down, to answer me with respect because with respect did I ask. You on the other hand give me a two word generalization and spend the rest of your measly paragraph trying to prove how "nice" and "innoffensive" you are, how "respectful" and "right minded". Then you quickly(and this is what gave you away) try to bow out with a bunch of defensive statements like "this is what I think...", "I respect what others have to say, so please respect what I say"(which in itself is no reason for anyone to respect YOU), all this aimed to justify your rude comments, because you know they are. If you were a good Christian, instead of just calling me "empty" to save yourself time and brainpower, you would have sat and thought long and hard about how to bring such delicate concerns of yours up to me, someone you don't even know. In a way that would make me open to your opinions and not just plain hurt. It's one thing to critisize my work, but to attack my personality in this manner is sick, especially if you think you're being "respectful". I hope you're all puffed up with importance, you must desperetely need it, even if you don't realize that you do. Others need importance too, but find more honorable methods of attaining it.
2. Richi from Ohio, you're absolutely right. I've become way too accesible and extremely venerable since I'm the only one on this group who doesn't hide their name and is recognizable to all. Do you think any of you would be able to handle being put under a microscope like this? Everyone is special and everyone is extra- ordinary and that's how I've tried to make you all feel, while I'm being brought down because I'm familiar now and made to feel " different than most others..." in good, "christian" terminology. I'm the only one here who has anything to lose from all this and I don't need my honesty turned against me yet again by "critics".
3. I made alot of new "friends" on this site, none of whom really and passionately jumped to my defense. Whatever. Subatomic even carried on a religion versus science debate with my christian brother and tried to be as "eloquent" as he could.
4. Therefore, I'm signing off. Again, I don't need people taking advantage of my extreme honesty and judging me like this, you can see me, but I can't see you, no thanks. For those who like and support me, I'm sorry if your letters go unnoticed from now on, but I'm not coming back here anymore. read some really gorgeous, moving thoughts of everyone's before landing on our christian friend's thread and I'm sorry that I can't share my thoughts with you like I was before.
Good luck everyone!
-Milla Jovovich

Re: Response to Milla
Milla - 04:34 18/03/00

Screw you JB. My "plastic bubble" is made of people like you who tell me "real" s*** like yours all the time. Did you once read a message from me that was critisizing anyone here for their thoughts on anything?! I only answered coldly to some that were RUDE to me, like you are being. "The Nature of the Beast"? It's people like you who make that beast continue. You wouldn't know your head from your ass in my world buddy and I don't know if you would talk so freely as you do now if you did know. You're right! I did spell that word incorrectly, bravo! You caught me! Feel good?

Re: An empty Milla speaks
Milla - 04:57 18/03/00

04:57 18/03/00 My dear Fixxxer. I would never want anyone to feel like I'm blaming you for anything, I was just so hurt and honestly(here I go again) I feel really empty alot, so I'm constantly trying to DO, to MAKE, to feel like I mean anything to myself and if that ruins people's image of what being a "star" is all about, whatever. I don't want to stop writing to everyone, but when I take my solitary time to do this, the last thing I want or need is to be treated to the same crap I get bombared with in my daily existence... This person thinks you're not enough of this, another not enough of that, blah, blah f***ing blah. I thought everyone knew from things I wrote in the past about this place that I felt extremely close to everyone, but it's kind of ridiculous that I'm expected to just live with the fact that people are gonna tear apart things I spend so much time on and be so open with. This is not an album or film, this is another human being writing. If I was going thru everyone messages and saying "Oh, they said that, so they must be this way..." I'm trying to relate and be part of something positive. If I was under a pseudonym like everyone else I wouldn't take this so much to heart, but there are people here just out to hurt and ofcourse I want to defend myself! I stopped reading my press a while ago because I didn't need critism from people who don't know me well, now I should spend the little time I have away from work to read it as well? "She wants people to kiss her ass" what the hell is that all about? People don't need to go to those extremes, either kiss ass or insult. It's what, unbelievable that I'm feeling this?! I guess I definetely don't want to stop writing everyone, but I'm not exactly sure how to handle this.

I'm really sorry for going away like that
Milla - 05:18 18/03/00

Listen everyone, I know I should just skim over the crap that some people write about me here, it just kills me though when I think that some people who like me now will also get dissapointed when they get to know me better. "Familiarity breeds contempt", but I don't want that statement to touch my life. Yes, I'm EXTREMELY idealistic, I'm also the biggest pessimist, everything and nothing, we are all the best and worst at times, I didn't expect it, I've never been on the internet before this, I only got a laptop literally a week before I came here, so excuse my ignorance as to what I should expect. I'm writing everyone's e-mail by the way. I don't want to lose touch with you. This is almost like someone coming up to you in the street and just telling you what's wrong with you, I know I never asked people to slag my character and call that being honest, I asked people to be honest with their thoughts on conversations we were having, specific threads, not these innane generalizations. So, forgive me for being "immature" in this case, I know I was. I was just sitting and shaking for the longest time after reading that message, I guess it hit home. Bingo. Jesus, what a drama I'm responsible for. I will try to keep up with your guy's posts, maybe not the old ones tonight, but definetely in the next few days. I'm also doing a third update cause the shooting has been so incredible this week. Let's try and talk to eachother now for a while, it seems that a few of you are online now. Jonothan, thank you so much for being so sweet and understanding... What about Aala? What a beautiful energy she filled me with when I read her "loooooong" message "hehe".

Re: Just a little something from me to Milla...
Milla - 06:11 18/03/00

Thank you JTM for your suggestion. I will definetely try it. One good thing from all this is that because I wasn't writing here for a bit, I learned to play a Velvet Underground song and a Bow Wow Wow song, well part of the Bow Wow Wow song anyway!

I have an idea
Milla - 05:36 18/03/00

If all you guy's write your e-mail addresses down, I could just take them down as they arrive and we can start another group under a different name. Ostensibly, if we keep updating new people of this group, we will always have new people to talk to while keeping out those that are obviously being hateful. It's not about being argumentative about certain subjects, it's about not critisizing people for their styles in telling what they think. Because in the end, nothing I said seemed to be put down but my general character. So those who want to rip apart my person can do it all they want and those who want to have interesting conversation can go on the new place. What do you think, critisize all you want! By the way, I'm sorry you feel so bad Subatomic, I'm happy to know your real name though.

Re: hmph
Milla - 00:51 23/03/00

Hi Ex! Enjoying your stunted toungue dear? Try finding a creative non four letter word way of expressing your violent reaction to this injustice placed upon you, I think it's great for all of us to help Ex find different words to articulate his anger!

Milla - 00:46 23/03/00

Hey Fixxxer, thanks! It's either people want you to be sensitive or thicker skinned at will, we're all speaking to eachother almost instantly, so everyone is going to be emotional or erratic in their reactions to things. Everyone, including my mother wants me to grow a thicker skin, so thanks Sandy for your ingenious advice.

Re: Welcome back!!!!
Milla - 01:25 23/03/00

Thanks! I'm glad to be back! By the way, I'm going to watch some rushes in Andrew Eaton's room tonight! I'll write about them when I'm back.

Ian's progress
Milla - 00:37 23/03/00

Sorry I haven't been around, I've been traveling alot to L.A. and had alot of work there, then I got extremely ill and am still getting over that as I write to you now. I'm trying to get a high speed cable hooked up here cause my connection has been so slow recently and posting has been a real bitch. My last post's both timed me out and never got up. Ian had some great news though, instead of having a seperate site for people to get to, now all that's gonna happen is people will have to register their e-mail addresses so we can keep track of everyone logging on. No "elite group conspiracys". There we are. Anyway, I don't care about mean spirited writers anymore here, the first shock is over. Now I'm going to try to catch up on the post's I've missed...

Re: So deep...
Milla - 05:15 23/03/00

I think definetely loving brings love. When you feel good loving something, I think you glow with some energy that makes you more pleasing to others. When you feel good, it helps others to feel good too sometimes.

Milla - 03:51 23/03/00

Exactly, anybody can say anything to anyone, just don't generalize people's whole existence into one condescending word. Anyway, I don't even care anymore, people should say whatever they want and I'll ignore what I want.

Re: Ian's progress
Milla - 04:03 23/03/00

Superluminal, why would you want to believe that we're lying for? Why would we need to justify are actions so much that we would lie to you, cause we're scared or something? Why would we have to lie and say I'm sick? To prove what?

Re: Ian's progress
Milla - 04:33 23/03/00

Yes, thank God! I had food poisoning and it was really awful. My head would start spinning every time I picked it up and my stomach would turn over. It was absolutely impossible for me to get on a plane like that, I couldn't walk without assistance! Man it was the worst feeling, to be so dependent.

Re: Ian's progress
Milla - 04:36 23/03/00

Hey Executer, I guess I try to fill up my time with alot of different things to express myself with, polaroid camera's, books, instuments... I can't say that's the best to escape, for me it's been helpful though.

Re: 1-st & Shy question to Milla
Milla - 04:45 23/03/00

Hey JTM, that's why I'm so happy that we're keeping track of everyone's e-mail, so we can contact everyone about a new forum for me when this one is done.

Re: 1-st & Shy question to Milla
Milla - 04:51 23/03/00

Hi Paul Toth, just the other night I woke myself up from a dream saying "you charm me..." for some reason, I think I was doing a play in my dream or something.

Re: 1-st & Shy question to Milla
Milla - 04:49 23/03/00

Hey Clay, i had a dvd player, but it got stolen along with a bunch of other stuff from some hotel or other that I stayed in. Thanks alot for your enthusiasm!

Re: 1-st & Shy question to Milla
Milla - 04:43 23/03/00

I plan to be here for as long as the forum is here Adam.

Milla - 04:28 23/03/00

Listen everyone, I wrote Ian and told him not to delete anyone's message anymore, I didn't like the feeling it gave me and anyway I should be able to deal with whatever people have to say. Sorry it caused a bit of havoc on the board but it was kind of interesting all the same... So feel free to drag my name through the dirt and insult one another all you want! I won't have anyone feeling Censored around here. Have fun!

Re: Reg. Plastic Has Memory...
Milla - 05:06 23/03/00

For sure I'll put everyone ona mailing list for my band's next show's!

Re: Milla who are your inspirations (who would you want to work with)?
Milla - 05:30 23/03/00

You know, if Brian Eno was still good, I think he would be so perfect to produce my album.

Re: Milla who are your inspirations (who would you want to work with)?
Milla - 05:38 23/03/00

You don't like Brian Eno!!! You're insane! His old stuff, like 75 is so amazing!! I haven't heard his new music, but I heard it was kind of weird... He produced U2? I didn't know that.

Re: Milla who are your inspirations (who would you want to work with)?
Milla - 06:26 23/03/00

Oh man! I love him too!! "Here Come the Warm Jets" and "Taking Tiger Mountain", "Another Green World"... He's so amazing. You have to hear those albums before saying anything about Eno.

Re: Milla, my mad idea continues ..., PLZ answer
Milla - 05:09 23/03/00

A party? I dunno... I don't think I would you'd get the best from me in that situation. I think everybody has a better chance getting to know eachother here where we're all more comfortable with one another.

Re: Fugazi!!!!
Milla - 05:25 23/03/00

I've like them for about 6 monthes or something... Does anyone here like old "Genesis" when Peter Gabriel was singing? I think it's so amazing. Have any of you heard of "The Makeup"?

Re: The make up
Milla - 05:34 23/03/00

I haven't seen the video you're talking about, but it sounds real cool. I want to get the new make up album because I heard he doesn't scream at all on it, but "I Want Some" is so great. I can't imagine someone can scream like that forever though.

Re: Tear Drop
Milla - 05:42 23/03/00

I thought it was: "Teardrop on fire, feels like summer break"

Re: Milla you know not the joy you bring. Thank you.
Milla - 05:44 23/03/00

P.S. Collin would love to hear from you
He has put an incredible amount of work into his site and it has been an invaluable resource for all of you fans.

Thanks for your support Rev. I'll make sure to get in touch with Colin. Thanks!

[Colin's note: Whoo-hoo! =)]

Re: question for milla
Milla - 05:46 23/03/00

yesterday i've watched a rerun of sitcom "married with childern" it was a pretty old episode. a french exchange student(played by you) was staying by Bundys. you looked gorgeous there as usual. do you ever remember it? how old were you there? what was the experience like?

I had fun doing that episode. I was thirteen. I was a bit intimidated by Christina Applegate at the time.

Re: Fear (you could write too)
Milla - 05:54 23/03/00

I happened upon an old memory
something left here by my mother
it's still alive in some strange way
it reaches through my day to day

It sits real deep and very quiet
it seems to come out of the sky
it doesn't like to admit it
but I think it's still responsible

So many feelings left in passing
so many answers at the door
if only I could find desire
enough to get up off the floor

Re: Too cool to have you back! and a question on photography
Milla - 05:58 23/03/00

I've taken some of my favorite pictures on Mamiya lenses, also Roloflex has great ones. I guess anything Carl Ziess makes is great. Those little Contax automatics are amazing.

Milla and Bjork and Radiohead oh my!
Milla - 05:49 23/03/00

have you considered working with Tricky, Bjork, or Radiohead? there is no way to go wrong with any of them.

Those people would be amazing, are you kidding? Massive Attack is one of my favorite bands... I think "Possibly Maybe" has got to be one of my most favorite Bjork songs.

Re: Hey everybody, do you guys wanna start a poetry thread?
Milla - 06:10 23/03/00

When you came here you were wondering
your eyes were full and watering
the tips of your fingers brush
the inside of my memory

Re: of course!
Milla - 06:16 23/03/00

"...I surge forward..."

Then all my dreams came rushing
at a speed that left me blind
and the image I was left with
scraped a road that runs for miles

Re: of course!
Milla - 06:34 23/03/00

"...suinting into my dark sun..."

Paint your eyes with shades and shadows
left the lining here unsown
cross a field that's growing steadily
and the end leaves me a step behind

Re: Can anyone arrange it in a order?
Milla - 06:35 23/03/00

I think we should write the end of the last line we're following.

Re: Hey everybody, do you guys wanna start a poetry thread?
Milla - 06:46 23/03/00

You're gonna judge poetry on how long it took someone to write it?

Re: of course!
Milla - 06:55 23/03/00

"for fruition of feelings grown..."

Broken down and still unbreakable
the morning frost bites hard
again I try to make you reasonable
take you wandering till it's dark

Re: amazing...
Milla - 07:10 23/03/00

" a soul unmoved ny conventional lusts..."

Clean and weary, nearly seeping
need to wake up in my sleep
caught inside and moving deeply
clear the air before I take off

Re: Can anyone arrange it in a order?
Milla - 07:12 23/03/00

Dude, why don't you go talk on another thread then? This IS the poetry thread...

Re: amazing...
Milla - 07:20 23/03/00

"...What does it mean..."

Who will break into the answers
who will smear against the sky
every wall has got it's pictures
every hallway heaves a sigh

Re: Can't Believe it!?...
Milla - 06:43 23/03/00

It's hard to really say, I'm constantly questioning myself and that could be good in some respects, but alot of times it can be extremely damaging as well. I don't think there's a wrong or right answer, because in the end, I'm just sayig what i feel in the moment, a bit like the phone and a letter put together. I ask myself all the time if I'm seeing what's really happening around me and can only hope that if I remain sensitive enough to people, I'll understand what's really going on. I'm always trying to be painfully honest with myself... I don't know really.

Re: Can't Believe it!?/what drives you
Milla - 07:05 23/03/00

Doubt. I'm constantly trying to convince myself for a reason to be alive.

Re: Ever seen Velvet Goldmine?
Milla - 07:33 23/03/00

I haven't seen "Velvet Goldmine", but why do you feel like that?

Re: The sentence
Milla - 07:27 23/03/00

Why I come here? To share feelings with people I don't know.

Gotta go to bed...
Milla - 07:35 23/03/00

I have to wake up at 5:30a.m. so I must go, it's already 12:30a.m. here. Talk to you all soon!

Long lost return...
Milla - 17:57 11/07/00

Hey, my long lost friends! Iím happy to finally be writing again. Iíve been out of commission, not from choice as some of you may assume, but from technological disabilityÖ I pressed some funny buttons on my laptop and screwed up how it receives certain information, so to actually send or receive has been next to impossible. I was supposed to sit down with my friend to figure it out, but my life took me away from home (to shoot another film) and just a lot of travelling, which left me no time to contact him. I also moved into a new house with my boyfriend, albeit the time Iíve actually spent there is so miniscule, I havenít even started unpacking more than my toothbrush!!! Good thing I met Ian for the first time as we reshoot a scene in England. Now Iím done for the day and have a little time to write. Please donít forget to leave your e-mail addresses for Ian to give me, so when I start my own site I can contact you all. Iím planning to spend the rest of my summer at home, rehearsing with my band and moving in, so Iíll definitely have more time to fix my computer or just get a bloody new one! I really miss my chats with you all, when I realized that my computer was always freezing up on me and I turned it off (really for the first time since I started on this site) it felt as if I was waking up the morning after I tried to quit smoking, dazed and empty and feeling as if something is irreconcilably WRONG! I hope youíre all doing well and I canít thank some of you enough for the great conversation that truly got me through the Kingdom Come experience, alone in my hotel room, smoking ceaselessly and nursing too many Jack&Cokes, sneaking in messages long after my boyfriend went to bed and driving him bananas with my new verbose relations. Anyway, speak to you all soon as possible! - Milla